Here's the Thing

Wednesday, 13 March 2013


As they announce a new Pope, I am sat wondering what it is to believe. If you believe in something, you have hopes and fears wrapped around your idea of what it is. You may make choices based upon it and it may guide decisions that could be life changing to you.

As much as a part of me really wishes I didn't, I believe in the ghosts and the monsters.  This is a belief that terrifies me and leaves me with no good options.  It is either a world taken over by monsters and given over to whatever it is they want, or to follow the path of the ghosts, knowing that may well mean dying.  Out of the two, I would obviously choose the later - why give a world for a selfish means? It is the only obvious answer.

Belief, after all, does not bring certainty. If anything, it can lead to more questions than answers and more shaky steps than solid ground and this is certainly the case for me.  I know a lot of people believe in ghosts, and claim to have seen them - the apparitions of the dead and lost love ones of the past.  Somehow these are not the same, at least not to me, not right now - and that leads me to questions and no where to look for answers.  It frustrates me to know answers I do find may not refer back to the right thing. I can barely stand to think of how little I really know and how much there is to find out, while at the same time having a looming sense of inevitability - It will happen, it does have to be stopped.  A sense of urgency in the task while flailing into a chasm of vast dark shadows.

Belief, it seems, does not equate knowledge, or security - or sanity.  It has been keeping me awake a bit lately. Mulling things over and trying to work out what it is I am meant to do with this belief. When there is a deity, the obvious choice is to pray and follow their written practises, rules and guidance.  Here, there are none. Certainly none I am aware of. No one to ask, no one to check against and no way of knowing if the choices I make are based upon the right assumptions. What if I followed a path in the belief it was the ghosts will when that would not at all stop the monsters? What then?

I don't have answers and I don't like not having answers, or a somewhere to find them. It scares me.  All of it does. 

Belief is a scary thing.

Monday, 11 March 2013

Snow flakes and a breeze

Have you ever had that feeling of fragility  like the slightest breeze could make everything tumble and topple away from you, piece by piece.  Small snowflakes in a winters breeze.  Each a tear un-falling.

I have been feeling this way more and more lately, without knowing a how or a why. Like I want to cry, but doing so would be the final straw and the damn would break, a storm of emotion flooding through.

This is why I have decided to come back here.  It has been so long and I have not written so much that could and should be said.  It is hard to know where to begin, so I will begin simply with now and hope the rest will fill itself in in my own way.

I am living very much day to day at the moment.  I wake up, go to work and have breakfast, take my meds and then try to do work - knowing that I am not doing as much as I should, or as well as I could do.  Everything I touch breaks and everything I plan changes.  I pull myself through the day, go home, and before you know it, it is time for me to take my meds and go to bed - knowing the next day will be much the same, but hoping it will somehow be better.

Nothing much does change. I am in the same place, with the same thoughts as I have been many times before. The only difference is that now I am on more meds, having broken down a few more times since I last wrote here.  Breaking down is hardly a new thing, but doing so in work, is. It was kind of my self made boundary and I broke it without really realising what I was doing.  In a way, the not realising is proof of how bad I was feeling at the time.

So I continue to see my Psych, who is helpful and is willing to try medicines with me - hence my new Anti-psychotic, Amisulpride (Solian) which I take twice a day.  Which helps a little with my anxiety and is meant to help with paranoid thoughts... not that it has done that yet, but I am only on a low dose still, so we will see.  Psychiatric stuff seems to take a long time with lots of waiting in between, when all you really want is someone to snap their fingers, or give you a hug and it to all have magically gone away.  No more negative thoughts, no more anxiety and twitchyness around other people, no more seeing ghosts and monsters that want you dead in one form or another.  It was be nice to wake up one morning and not have so many things careening around in my head that I can't remember the things I am meant to be remembering.  

My memory really is atrocious  and I guess that is part of why I am writing here again.  I want to get some of it down, before I forget.  Or I wont have it anywhere and someone will ask me - most likely in therapy of some sort, and I wont have an answer.

I guess on a more practical stand-point, I am still living in the same house with my parents.  I still don't have the financial security to move and buy my own place and more than anything, this breaks my heart.  I would love to move more than anything and really, I would give a limb for it, but a part of my mental unstableness just makes me far too prone to impulse spending and money mis-management and in the end all I can do is blame myself, and feel sorry for myself and add it to the list of things I hate about myself.

There are many things I want to change, and many things I fear never will and I watch them from a glass panned window, wafting by like snow flakes in a breeze.