Amazingly, I am currently going through a relatively stable period psychologically speaking.  My body, never one to be outdone has instead screwed with my blood-sugars and I have spent the past two weeks using every witch parts of my fingers to test my blood-sugars and ensure they are at a safe level.  Joy.

Despite the few weeks of calm, my current Therapist (yes, you read that right, I was told that I had to go to therapy) has declared that I need a Care Coordinator (I read this as yet another appointment to go to) as when I am not stable I am at a high level of risk..... Fair enough, no real argument there, but then, I am stable right now.  So a small part of me wonders if it is too little, too late.

I got the referral letter in the post during the week and as with all types of letters, I am currently struggling to get my head around what it says about me.  Least of all because its own lack of grammar implies I have more than one boyfriend (which I don't - I am a strong believer in monogamy).

... is experiencing problems associated with severe depression and anxiety with dissociative hallucination.  It is also possible, according to her psychiatrist, Dr X, that X is may experience co-morbid or underlying emotionally unstable personality disorder.

Sorry, but this is the first I have heard of a possible BPD diagnosis... surely they should tell me these things, before passing it on to me in a referral letter??

It is hard enough at times to grapple with severe depression, anxiety and hallucinations... It threw me through a loop when my Psych first suggested I may want to consider anti-psychotics should the hallucinations not improve (they have, btw... yay) but just as things seem to be settling down for me for once (they don't do that often) I get a letter saying I may have BPD....

Now to throw myself through the wringer in an attempt to figure out what that may mean for me going forward.

........

I will come back when my head is spinning a bit less and I can think in more straight lines.  

Dark Dreaming

I am dreaming a lot at the moment. Detailed dreams full of an intensity that is hard to shut away in the waking hours between. My thoughts are now almost constantly on forms of suicide or self harm. My respite and my historical escape of sleep has been taken over and riddled with the very thing it has nearly always previously prevented - The action of harm, carried out and watched in video graphic as a dream.

Last nights had a triangle type metal hanger with the top part threaded and secured through a break in a ceiling tile and the now visible metal joist above the ceiling tiles. The metal holding the hangers weight. A figure climbing up and putting their chin through the triangular hoop now hanging from the ceiling. Choked by the weight of their own being hanging loosely. Beneath them, a large wooden lump, a broken bed-post lays, sharp point upwards, ready for their inevitable fall. If one fails, the other won't. The rest of the room gathers dust and smoke as a fire begins to eat away at the now long discarded and irrelevant belongings. No failure here then.

Unsettling to have that as such a dream, and to have the unshakable image and a tune playing in my head in my waking hours that feels somehow linked. Maybe the person from the dream was listening to that tune play out?

Is it worth mentioning this to a therapist. To a psych. Does it make a difference that my thoughts occur in both waking and sleeping lives? That my actions turn to harm and sui on such a regular basis that I barely blink to take in how bad they may seem to others?

Maybe I have begun to let go of the idea that somehow there is a secret to be kept, that it should all be locked away as a thing of guilt and shame, that no-one else would ever listen to, or understand. Or maybe it is that this is now such a regular thing for me, and that it has been going on for so long that I have forgotten that to some people out there, it may not be considered normal.

The very idea of normal strikes me as strange, to be honest. So I guess it must be that.

I have therapy starting soon (on the 21st) I wonder what they will make of it, of me. Maybe to them, I am normal. Maybe to them, it is everyone else that is wrong. I can only wait and find out.