I am dreaming a lot at the moment. Detailed dreams full of an intensity that is hard to shut away in the waking hours between. My thoughts are now almost constantly on forms of suicide or self harm. My respite and my historical escape of sleep has been taken over and riddled with the very thing it has nearly always previously prevented - The action of harm, carried out and watched in video graphic as a dream.
Last nights had a triangle type metal hanger with the top part threaded and secured through a break in a ceiling tile and the now visible metal joist above the ceiling tiles. The metal holding the hangers weight. A figure climbing up and putting their chin through the triangular hoop now hanging from the ceiling. Choked by the weight of their own being hanging loosely. Beneath them, a large wooden lump, a broken bed-post lays, sharp point upwards, ready for their inevitable fall. If one fails, the other won't. The rest of the room gathers dust and smoke as a fire begins to eat away at the now long discarded and irrelevant belongings. No failure here then.
Unsettling to have that as such a dream, and to have the unshakable image and a tune playing in my head in my waking hours that feels somehow linked. Maybe the person from the dream was listening to that tune play out?
Is it worth mentioning this to a therapist. To a psych. Does it make a difference that my thoughts occur in both waking and sleeping lives? That my actions turn to harm and sui on such a regular basis that I barely blink to take in how bad they may seem to others?
Maybe I have begun to let go of the idea that somehow there is a secret to be kept, that it should all be locked away as a thing of guilt and shame, that no-one else would ever listen to, or understand. Or maybe it is that this is now such a regular thing for me, and that it has been going on for so long that I have forgotten that to some people out there, it may not be considered normal.
The very idea of normal strikes me as strange, to be honest. So I guess it must be that.
I have therapy starting soon (on the 21st) I wonder what they will make of it, of me. Maybe to them, I am normal. Maybe to them, it is everyone else that is wrong. I can only wait and find out.