Here's the Thing

Monday, 11 March 2013

Snow flakes and a breeze

Have you ever had that feeling of fragility  like the slightest breeze could make everything tumble and topple away from you, piece by piece.  Small snowflakes in a winters breeze.  Each a tear un-falling.

I have been feeling this way more and more lately, without knowing a how or a why. Like I want to cry, but doing so would be the final straw and the damn would break, a storm of emotion flooding through.

This is why I have decided to come back here.  It has been so long and I have not written so much that could and should be said.  It is hard to know where to begin, so I will begin simply with now and hope the rest will fill itself in in my own way.

I am living very much day to day at the moment.  I wake up, go to work and have breakfast, take my meds and then try to do work - knowing that I am not doing as much as I should, or as well as I could do.  Everything I touch breaks and everything I plan changes.  I pull myself through the day, go home, and before you know it, it is time for me to take my meds and go to bed - knowing the next day will be much the same, but hoping it will somehow be better.

Nothing much does change. I am in the same place, with the same thoughts as I have been many times before. The only difference is that now I am on more meds, having broken down a few more times since I last wrote here.  Breaking down is hardly a new thing, but doing so in work, is. It was kind of my self made boundary and I broke it without really realising what I was doing.  In a way, the not realising is proof of how bad I was feeling at the time.

So I continue to see my Psych, who is helpful and is willing to try medicines with me - hence my new Anti-psychotic, Amisulpride (Solian) which I take twice a day.  Which helps a little with my anxiety and is meant to help with paranoid thoughts... not that it has done that yet, but I am only on a low dose still, so we will see.  Psychiatric stuff seems to take a long time with lots of waiting in between, when all you really want is someone to snap their fingers, or give you a hug and it to all have magically gone away.  No more negative thoughts, no more anxiety and twitchyness around other people, no more seeing ghosts and monsters that want you dead in one form or another.  It was be nice to wake up one morning and not have so many things careening around in my head that I can't remember the things I am meant to be remembering.  

My memory really is atrocious  and I guess that is part of why I am writing here again.  I want to get some of it down, before I forget.  Or I wont have it anywhere and someone will ask me - most likely in therapy of some sort, and I wont have an answer.

I guess on a more practical stand-point, I am still living in the same house with my parents.  I still don't have the financial security to move and buy my own place and more than anything, this breaks my heart.  I would love to move more than anything and really, I would give a limb for it, but a part of my mental unstableness just makes me far too prone to impulse spending and money mis-management and in the end all I can do is blame myself, and feel sorry for myself and add it to the list of things I hate about myself.

There are many things I want to change, and many things I fear never will and I watch them from a glass panned window, wafting by like snow flakes in a breeze.

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