Here's the Thing

Friday, 9 April 2010


There are moments in life that act as ultimatums. Something has to give, one way or another and as much as we may all like to bury our heads in the sand from time to time, it will always come back and bite us with its inevitability.

I have, today, been having one of those days when the inevitable has been staring at me with steely eyes, waiting for me to make my move. One way, or the other.

My depression feels very much like it is winning today. All the signs have been there. My focus and attention has been off. I have been tearful and avoiding people and sounds, flinching away from them like something painful will come from the vague awareness of their presence around me. I have begun stock-piling, medicines and ideas, plots and methodology.

My body sickens me. My BMI is 30.8, which makes me obese for my height and age. I need to loose at least 30lbs to be considered back in a healthy weight range. I am constantly achy as my joints are not designed for this amount of blubber and walking a 15 minute route from my home to the train station reduces me to tears.

Part of me is thinking that the extra weight will help gravity as it pulls me down to the ground from where-ever it may be that I eventually leap. The other part is planning a diet, a proper one that is due to start in earnest tomorrow.

It is that, or listen to the side of my brain that says I am fat and ugly and worthless. Because I am. Because I can give nothing to this world at the moment. I struggle to focus on anything for longer than ten minutes at a time before I have to switch away.

Part of my mind wants to curl up into the foetal position in a dark place somewhere and cry quietly to itself. It has been doing that for a while now.

Something has to give and soon.

I can not shake the feeling that whatever shifts is going to soon, one way or the other.

I can not stop the whirl-wind of thoughts and feeling. The constant gnaw of panic and anxiety chipping away at my soul, tearing it to shreds in sheer hatred and frustration. I barely sleep for the constant back and forth between one thought and another. Would this be the best? Or this? Would anyone miss me? When is the right time? What should we wear?

I have decided somewhere, amidst all this, that I need to loose weight. I need to do something to keep the 'keep going' part of my brain focused on the positive. As without that, I do not have any fight left.

I am in one of my lowest states and I know that the moment that fight stops, the moment I allow a pause, I will end up in Hospital.

Something has to give. That is my ultimatum.


  1. I would miss you :'(

  2. *hugs*

    I am sad. I do not want to make others sad as well. I just find it hard to see other ways out.

  3. I would miss you, and I know other people would too. Despite the fact you're fighting so hard, you're one of the people I can always rely on to help me put things in perspective when I tweet about them.

    If you feel like your weight is contributing to how you feel, start exercising a bit more. The endorphins will make you feel better, and you'll be healthier and hopefully happier with how you look.

    If you need to curl up and have a cry, do it. As long as it doesn't lead to anything serious, there's no harm in it.

    Steph. X