Here's the Thing

Wednesday, 23 December 2009


I really hate this time of year.

The weather is shite, my lack of working ears mean I fall over all the time as the ground is icy. It being cold means my sugars go all over the place, so I feel tired and lethargic... and all of my usual escapism's just stop working or are completely impractical (i.e jogging, see above inability to walk).

Add that to the fact that this is a time of year when everyone is stressed and yet meant to be the most sociable they will ever be in the year. My entire family gets together and everything is meant to be sunshine and daisies when I barely get through 30 minutes without wanting to run away and cry.

There is an insistence on buying presents that are always either too much or not enough to give to said person.

I am not a bah humbug person... honestly, I love seeing my family and I like making others happy, so buying them gifts to make them smile is a good thing.

I just hate that it is the middle of winter when half of my thoughts are leaning towards jumping of Monument Bridge. It is everything crammed together all at once. People shop as though the shops will never be open again (when in fact they are closed for all of two days) and you wonder why my social anxiety hits the roof and I want to just curl up in my room and never come out again.

I am so anxious my heart is in near constant palpitations and my chest-tightens. I am shaky and tense - but too tired to have that tension released.

If last year is anything to go by, I will barely make it through Christmas without cracking. New Year I am worst with, who wants the thought of going through it all over again, like some broken record. I have things that are being planned for the year ahead... but my brain has trouble seeing past the end of this year... It is part of my illness, I have trouble with time. I get a mental block where anything past x date is too hard for me to conceive.

It is a black void. A nothingness.

I do not want to end up in Hospital again (and if I do, I want to be on a proper ward and not just lumped on a random one and left for four days like last time as they have no space)... but I can only put on a shield for so much to face everyone before I crack.

This year feels worse. There is less time to relax. This evening we see my Uncle. Tomorrow we are seeing someone else. Christmas day we see a whole mass of family. Boxing day is with my Sister & husband, day after my Cousin and her family and baby et al... then it is New Year.

Gah! *heads desk*

I had a dream last night that I made it through it all and the first day back at work the Reaper was with me the entire day and said "You know we are going" Just as I got off the bus at Monument. My meds seem to squash them so much during the day - but they can't stop my dreams, it seems.

Part of me is going: 'Have a good time, be cheery, be better, make an effort and stop being so damn miserable!' and the other half really just wants to give up. I am so conflicted I am spending half of my time hidden in my room crying and wondering why we have to go through with it and when I will be able to breath properly in town again.

If this is the most medication and coping mechanisms can do for me... I am not sure I want another year feeling like this. If the Drs can't do anything else and this is the best we can get -- - Is this what we have been fighting for? Because I am not sure it is worth it.

No comments:

Post a Comment